Picture Posted in "Young Love"

I finally got the picture of Jared and Lim sized to fit. Check out this lovely young couple. (Scroll down to the 4th post before this one or click on "Young Love" in the list of previous posts.)

Parenting by the Book

The young adult population of today was raised with "Nobody is going to hand you success on a silver platter. If you want to make it, you'll have to make it on your own -- your own drive, your own guts, your own energy, your own ambition."

While on the surface of it, this is a good and true philosophy, there is some problem with CHILDREN growing up believing this entirely. If a child believes that he/she is "in this alone" before she/he gains wisdom in decision-making, that child becomes unteachable. He/she often resists advice, counsel, guidance, correction from others, even parents, teachers, and God. There is danger in believing that we are right and everyone else is wrong.

Children must be given a foundation (and some experience) in decision-making before they are taught that their decisions are better than anyone else's. They must also gain some life-experience -- which can only be gained by living more years. Seeing, over time, the results of certain decisions in other people's lives; and hearing, over time, older people tell of their experiences following certain decisions; finding out, over time, by making increasingly larger and more important choices and seeing their consequences -- these life-experiences give a foundation for good decision-making and the belief that "nobody can tell me what to do."

There is certainly nothing easy or pleasant in being corrected. Our first response is to reject the correction, become defensive, blame or attack others. But there is wisdom and maturity in being able to listen to good counsel from someone who has our best interest at heart. Personality and moral growth cannot really come about without a teachable spirit.

The newest Parenting book I have read in connection to my research mentioned a couple of days ago is Parenting by the Book by Dr. David Walls. I had not read this one before. It is much "heavier" than Dr. Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children. This one gets into the values of the parents' generation and how that leads to child-rearing (and by extension, societal) problems. According to Dr. Walls, the "fix" is not nearly as clear-cut as Dr. Rosemond suggests in his books. The cumulative attitudes and values established by daily family decisions over years, based upon values determined and defined by parents, will largely determine the behavior and development of the children of that family.

One measure of these attitudes and values has to do with how much monetary success is valued in the family as compared to other kinds of successes. Another measure of the family values has to do with how words are used. Family values and attitudes about relationships determine children's behaviors as well.

I have two more bales of fodder to add to my feeding trough this week -- A Family of Value and Family Building - both by Dr. John Rosemond. This is, of course, a study I should have done 30 years earlier!

Commander in Chief on TV

This morning I thoroughly enjoyed reading Reasoned Audacity's live blog of the new TV show Commander in Chief which aired last night. Charmaine made many of the same comments that Jim and I made to each other as we watched the show.

Over all, as a virtual non-viewer of TV, I enjoyed the show; however, we found many of the unlikely scenarios distracting. A few of the implausibilities include: that the white house staff would not have cleaned out the oval office before the new president arrived; that a secretary would have the gall to tell the president that she could not work for her because it would make her feel "cheap"; that even the dying president AND the speaker of the house would urge her to resign; and especially that her first action as president would be a dramatic helicopter rescue in a foreign country. On the level of her looks -- what was with the super-bright red lipstick on those collegen-enhanced kissers? How was the viewer supposed to notice anything else?

But, even with its apparent faults, this may be the first TV series I will schedule to watch since The Cosby Show and Family Ties way back when; although I did watch Friends semi-regularly for a few years.

Parenting in the first decade of the millennium

This week I have been reading (and in some cases rereading) books about parenting. I am helping Jim (my husband) do some research for a class on parenting to be offered on Wednesday nights at church. He and I have both long been admirers of the common-sense approach to parenting espoused by Dr. John Rosemond; so in order to help Jim prepare for the class, I have read and reread some of Dr. Rosemond's books.

Today I finished reading his Six-point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children. Dr. Rosemond's methods are seen by some as harsh, and I agree that perhaps they are slightly so in comparison to many modern psychologists' parenting theories; however, I can see a lot of truth in his ideas.

Dr. Rosemond says that the parent's primary job is to help children get out of their parents' lives and into successful lives of their own. The six points he offers to that end in this book are:
1. Put your marriage first (or in the case of single parents, put your own needs first). Children need to know that you have your own life and they are expected to have a separate life too. As with food, children need to have enough attention to be healthy, but not so much as to become addicted or fixated .
2. EXPECT your children to obey you. Give children direction: "It is time for you to..." or "You need to..." NOT "Let's..." or "Would you like to..."
3. Establish responsibility. Do this in two ways -- assigning chores and having children take responsibility for their own behavior.
4. Don't be afraid to tell your child "no". Children should get ALL of what they need but only 25% of what they want. Otherwise they grow up with unrealistic expectations of life.
5. Eliminate unnecessary toys. When a child says, "I'm bored", it simply means he/she has too much too soon. The choices are overwhelming. The fewer toys and the more space a child has in which to explore and create, the more successful the child is at occupying his/her time.
6. Encourage creativity by minimizing TV viewing. It is not just the CONTENT of what they view that is damaging, it is also the PROCESS of watching TV.

I suppose numbers 2 and 4 would get the most argument from many modern parents. I am mulling some of these ideas while I read other books on the topic of raising happy and healthy children.

As a teacher for most of the last 40-something years, I have seen many children suffer because their parents have taught them to deny responsibility for any of their failures, bad behaviors or poor choices. Since almost all learning takes place as a result of trial and error, some frustration and disappointment is essential to real learning. It is from these experiences that children learn perseverence (the one key element to almost all success.) When parents protect their children from embarrassment, disappointment, or frustration, they deny them opportunities to get the skills needed to become successful and happy adults.

I have seen many well-meaning parents who seem unable to assume any authority with their children -- and those children feel insecure and need to constantly test the boundaries. A child's sense of security is based on knowing that his/her parents can protect and provide for the child in any and all circumstances. This requires that the parent make many decisions for the child. A parent has to be as decisive and authoritative as a referee. More later ....

Young Love

Ah, love is in the air!

Last month my nephew Josh married his sweet and beautiful girlfriend, Charlee, in an impressive church ceremony with military pomp. Josh is in the army and stationed, for the time being, in Germany. The new groom only had three days with his wife before he had to fly back to his base. His new wife has not yet dotted all the Army i's and crossed all the Army t's necessary before she can join him there.

Josh and Charlee

Today, as I write, I am missing a reception given for my cousin (is it first cousin once removed? -- anyway my first cousin's son) and his lovely Venezuelan bride. They were married last month in Venezuela. The groom, Jared, had to return to the states soon after the wedding; but the bride, Lim, remained in Venezuela to wait for govenmental approval to join her new husband. She arrived a week or two ago, and her new parents-in-law are giving this reception so that friends and family here will have an opportunity to celebrate with them.

Jared and Lim

Sustaining a loving and supportive marriage has never been an easy proposition, but our 21st century society can be even more suppressing than in times past. I pray that these two young couples, as they continue in this grand adventure of marriage, will be able to maintain that admiration and respect for each other that caused them to take this important step in their lives. May God bless you, Josh and Charlee! ! May God bless you, Jared and Lim!

Daddy's Roses

(roses pictured are from a Postcard distributed in 1909)

Off and on for several years I have attempted to write an analogy that bedevils my mind, repeatedly prodding and insinutating itself into my thoughts. Its many versions have been bad poetry and lackluster prose. I am not sure where the writing piece stands at the moment; but this is its most recent incarnation. I had this work in mind when I named this blog.

My Father Grew Beautiful Roses

My father grew beautiful roses.

He provided the richest soil

-- full of nutrients known to best foster the growth of roses. He studied to learn exactly what the roses needed.

Carefully he tended and guarded the baby plants

-- they must have sun yet be protected from the searing noonday heat.

--their thirst must be quenched, but too much water would drown them.

--choking weeds must be expunged lest they steal the nutrients and moisture from the soil and hinder the growth of the roses.

He watched with love and pride as the flowers bloomed.

--when damaging winds and storms threatened, he still protected the full-grown plants and blooms.

His roses grew. Each was plucked, in the fullness of its own time, in order to fulfill its destiny.

I am grateful to be one of Daddy's Roses.

Natalie's Animal Creations 

Sunday Visit

Our daughter Lyn brought her two youngest children, Natalie and Ethan, over here this morning to go to church and spend the afternoon with us. Ricky and Brianne were spending the day with Jack and were unable to come with them. Natalie became engrossed in a how-to-draw-animals book and drew animals for over an hour.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Happy weekend!

This week I have been thinking a lot about homes, home-ownership, and related topics. Since I am the daughter of United Methodist ministers and married a United Methodist minister, I was raised in parsonages and have lived in furnished parsonages all my married life; so I have never lived in my OWN house! We bought a house about 15 years ago in order to have some security at retirement time. Our son and daughter-in-law have been living there for 15 years, but they are almost ready to move out into their own home so that we can begin to make living arrangements for after Jim's retirement sometime within the next two or three years.

Yesterday four good friends who are great handymen went with us to do some general repairs on the house. We got a lot done -- replacing light fixtures, repairing small plumbing problems, etc.; when the house is empty we will do more major spruce-up jobs such as painting, pressure-washing outside, installing some new cabinets in the master bath and bedroom, and some landscaping.

So, we have been looking at our house and trying to imagine actually living there.

Yikes! Choosing for OURSELVES where to live? Foreign concept!
Not used to making decision about living quarters, questions abound:

• What will it feel like to live in a house that belongs to US?
• Do we want to live in Rome, GA (where the house is) or somewhere else in the state -- or the nation -- or the world?
• Should we sell this house and buy one that suits our lifestyle and needs better? Can we afford to do that?
• How can we pick out and buy furniture for the first time at our ages?

Thankfully we have a little time yet to make those decisions. We have lived in 9 parsonages in our 42 year marriage. We had no choice in those houses -- either the house itself or its furnishings. Isn't it great that NEW experiences come our way no matter our ages?! Freedom to CHOOSE -- a great blessing.

Logistics of Blogging

I'm still working on the logistics of this thing.
Happy Birthday, Ricky!

Experimental Entry Post

Hello, All!! I am experimenting with my blog. These first few entries will be clumsy, I am sure. I hope to improve with practice. This first entry is simply to try out the program and see where I stand and what I need to learn.