Good News - Bad News

Marine Sargeant: Good news, Men. Today you get a change of underwear.
Bad news: Smith, you change with Adams; Davis, you change with Masseroti…

Witch doctor: Bad news: I can’t grow hair on your head.
Good News: I can shrink your head to fit the hair you have.

Bad news: your car just drove off the ridge into the Grand Canyon.
Good News: it got 42 miles to the gallon on the way down.

Good News: a fantastic girl invited me to come over for dinner and asked me to stop and pick up a couple of cans of dog food on the way.
Bad News: The girl doesn’t have a dog

Good News: Stephen King loved your script. He practically ate it up!
Bad News: Stephen King is my dog.